I have found
The perfect man
He’s cute and charismatic But that’s not the point
What makes him perfect
He lives 833 miles away
He’s not that into me
I can dream about him Anytime
I need not
Although I might say that we are dating regularly. About once a year. But he doesn’t call me, so I still need not fear a relationship.
On our first date he took me to a soup party. I was wildly infatuated. He is popular with his many friends, and cooks delicious soup. After the party we stayed up half the night talking.
When he finally kissed me, my heart leapt like a shooting star. Eventually, we slept together. Literally, rather than figuratively. I couldn’t go through with it. Too much emotional investment. I was afraid of rejection. This later felt like a sound decision after he didn’t call, and I moved through heartbreak quickly.
Our second date
Over a year later
On New Year’s Eve
On a snowy night
His band was opening for a 70s band that I rather liked in junior high school.
That band! What was their name?
I wandered around a ballroom packed with dancing, cheering, happy people, knowing no one but the guy singing. On my third lap a lady called my name and pulled me into a seat saved for me, at the Band Table. Suddenly I knew the wife of the guitarist, the partner of the stand-up bass player, and my date’s parents. However did she know it was me? She said it was the way I looked at him.
After he finished playing, I felt like an interesting side-dish, on the arm of a man loved by the crowd even more than that 70s band. But those old rockers played well, and we laughed and danced, and talked in bits between booming flashback hits. That band introduced the finale as a song we’d surely heard before… if we’d ever been in an elevator… or a grocery store. An apt metaphor for the comfortable pleasure I felt in this man’s company.
“You are the woman that I always dreamed of…” they sang.
I knew it wasn’t
Life was good
This time I slept with him figuratively, rather than literally. After, I lay awake listening to him breathe. Getting up to visit the bathroom for something to do. Enjoying him reach for me in his sleep when I returned. Unable to relax into my own dreams. What does it mean, to be with a man again?
What changed this time that allowed me to let go and follow the moment? Indifference. Knowing he wouldn’t call, and not minding. Knowing my dream this night was to discover what I had been missing since my divorce, rather than longing for the dream of lasting love, the dream I am currently afraid to believe in.
Yet perhaps The trick
Is to forge Forward
Not minding How it all Comes out?
Photo credit: Melissa Karolides © 2013